0 comments on “How can I express how I really feel?”

How can I express how I really feel?

Hong Kong counseling and therapy services with Dr. Monica Borschel

Sometimes we might have a difficult time expressing how we feel because we are afraid of how others will react or what they might think of us. We might have a hard time expressing how we feel because we are not sure what it is we are feeling. Emotions can be complex. Part of it might be because we tell ourselves that how we feel doesn’t matter. Here are some simple guidelines to understand and express how you feel.

1. Your emotions matter: Emotions give us information about our environment and our choices. If we feel threatened or out of control we might feel angry or anxious. If we have lost or fear losing someone or something, we might grieve or feel sad. When things are going the way that we want them too, we feel happy or excited.

2. Emotions are in your body: One of the keys to understanding how you feel is to pay attention to sensations in your body. Is your heart racing or is your stomach tight? When we learn how to identify where we feel emotions in our body we can learn to speak about how we feel.

3. How are you perceiving the emotion? Our body gives us a signal about threats in our environment and our heart races. We can tell ourself that we are afraid, or we can tell ourself that we are excited. Be curious about the story that you are telling yourself about your bodies response to the environment.

4. Heathy responses: Healthy responses to emotion include talking, crying or calming down. Talking about how you feel helps to minimize conflict and misunderstanding. Crying helps to relieve pressure and stress and calming down prevents you from yelling or becoming aggressive.

4. Accept your emotions, don’t avoid them: Avoiding your emotions or distracting yourself from your emotions will not help you to understand or learn from them. Often when we feel heartache we tend to avoid it. Negative emotions help us to grow and understand ourselves better. Broken hearts help us to understand love, appreciation and compassion. We also learn from our mistakes by paying attention to the feelings we don’t like.

5. Write it out: It might be easier for some people to write their emotions out before they are able to speak about them. Writing your feelings on a piece of paper might help to clarify any confusion you have to what you are feeling.

6. Practice, practice, practice: If you are not used to speaking about your feelings, it will be quite challenging in the beginning. Don’t give up, try again. Every time that you try, it will become easier. There might be people in your life who are unable to cope with your emotions or anyone else’s for that matter. Practice with people are are open to hearing how you feel.


Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist

Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com for an individual or skype session.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Should I stay with my cheating partner?”

Should I stay with my cheating partner?

Hong Kong counsellling therapist

People cheat for many reasons.  It might be that the primary relationship lacks physical or emotional intimacy.  Another reason might be that one person feels unappreciated and seeks validation outside of the primary relationship. For more information on why people cheat, click here.

It is difficult not to take being cheated on personally.  Trust in the relationship is missing and may be hard to repair.  Here are some options and points to consider in an unfaithful circumstance or relationship.

1. Was your partner trying to hurt you or get revenge?  If your partner had an affair to punish you, can you forgive this?  Are they punishing you for having an affair? Or are they punishing you because you have not met some of their expectations?  This is a conversation to have to with your partner to understand their motivation and if you can repair the relationship.  If your partner cheated to hurt you to have more power or control over you, be cautious in taking them back.

2. Your partner is insecure in relationships in general: If your partner cheated because they are afraid you will abandon them, or they are insecure in relationships in general, they might always cheat.  If your partner is insecure because you have not been appreciative, emotionally or physically available, then you can aim to work towards repairing the relationship if you have the desire to save it.

3. Your partner wanted new sexual experiences: Your partner may have cheated because they wanted a unique or varied sexual experience.  If your relationship lacks sexual intimacy, your partner may have strayed to have their sexual needs met.  The question to ask yourself in this situation is, why don’t I want to have sex with my partner and can we work and repair this?  Am I ok with an open relationship?  Do I also want new sexual experiences that we can try as a couple?

4. Your partner wanted validation: Does your primary relationship have gratitude and appreciation for one another.  Couples often focus on what they do not have in a relationship instead of what they do have.  If someone is feeling taken for granted, or neglected, they might rationalise having an affair.  This is an opportunity to make your relationship stronger if you can see past the violation of trust and use it to build intimacy in your relationship.

An affair can break a relationship if the trust has been broken past the point of repair.  If both partners are willing to work on the problems in the relationship, a relationship can become stronger after an affair.  An affair might bring new appreciation to the relationship because it brings an awareness to how hurtful losing the relationship would be.  If you believe the relationship is worth saving, focus on the other person as a person and not a possession.  A marriage counsellor or therapist might be able to help both partners see the other person’s perspective and help the couple to communicate better.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment. Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “What boxing taught me about unconditional love and confidence”

What boxing taught me about unconditional love and confidence

Boxing found its way into my life when I had hit rock bottom emotionally, physically and financially. I had just lost my closest friend to a tragic accident, graduated with my master’s degree during the housing crises in New York and was living in Harlem on food stamps. I was desperately looking for employment when I met Al, who told me that I had a boxers skull and that we could make some money boxing. He had an elaborate plan; we would build up my confidence and skill set by fighting in Asia because they do not keep records, we would then come back to the USA and try to go pro. For a few months, he trained me to fight and helped me to pay my rent. He was quite strict and would make me do one thousand jabs a day.

 

During this period, I started dating my now ex-husband, D. Al, told me that champions don’t fall in love and because of that he could no longer train me.

I was beginning to appreciate the physical and mental challenges that came along with boxing. So, I decided to find a gym that would train me for a reasonable amount. That was when I met Darryl Pierre at Kingsway Boxing gym in Chelsea. He took me in and taught me all day every day. This was a difficult task for Darryl because I was unfit and unskilled. He was patient, pushed me through fear, and built my confidence. Daryl made me feel like a champion, and he never gave up on me.

A few months into training with Daryl, D asked me if we should move to Hong Kong with his work. Though we had not been dating for long, I took it as an opportunity to start over in a new environment. We decided to get married so that I could work while we were in Hong Kong. At this point, I was waiting tables and bartending in New York. The only thing that I had to look forward to during that period was boxing. I cried when I had to leave Daryl and move to Hong Kong.

The first thing I did when I arrived in Hong Kong was to find a boxing gym. I had visited a few; the gyms were closed down or falling apart. Then I came across Impakt MMA. I walked into the gym, and the owner, Alain Ngalani, a world champion kickboxer smiled at me from ear to ear. His smile said, welcome to my gym and to my family. I knew right then that is where I belonged. I told Alain that I wanted to be an amateur boxer and he took it seriously. Alain introduced me to a Thai trainer named Ekapol who had had over 300 professional Muay Thai fights. Alain and Ekapol were not there to make me feel good; they were there to kick my ass and get me fit.

Alain told me that there was going to be a white-collar charity fight that was to take place and that I was going to fight in it. I was intimidated. I was drinking too much, eating bad food and my cardio was horrible. Alain pushed my fitness levels until at the end of every day I thought I was going to die. I would go home with every muscle and bone aching. My face felt continually swollen. Alain would not let me give up.

Two weeks before the fight, Ekapol asked me to find another trainer. That’s when I met David Hergault. He would be my trainer for six years and twelve fights. It was during these six years of training with David and Alain that I learned what unconditional love was. As an ex-Mormon, I was used to being judged, shamed and having love be very conditional. Alain and David stood by me and told me they would help me with whatever I needed.

Alain and David went all in with me for every fight, win, lose or draw. They have seen me bleed, vomit and sweat, and it was always ok. David and Alain saw me fight my way through my divorce, my PhD, and poverty. During my divorce, David said, “I don’t care what you’re going through. When you are in the gym, you train, and you focus.” These were the words that made me realise that staying in the moment and focusing on what needs to be done makes you a more resilient person. If you are not focused and in the moment in boxing, you will get hurt.

After my losses, David would be upset with me because I wasn’t living up to my potential. He could see that I was losing because I wasn’t confident and because I didn’t believe in myself. He saw something in me that I could not yet see in myself. He wanted me to fight more so that I was comfortable in the ring. Alain saw my struggle and tried to build me up, pushing me through every intense workout and hugging me when I cried. I would cry after every loss, every time I felt that I disappointed David and Alain. I didn’t want to disappoint them because I felt that they were the two who always believed in me.

Along the way, I met strong women who would spar with me. Push my emotional and mental abilities. I would take a big hit and want to kill them. In boxing, this is dangerous. In boxing, every time you get mad or scared, you waste energy. When you are angry, you make mistakes. A turning point came when one of my sparring partners introduced me to her trainer Paul Logan. It was Paul who taught me to keep my cool, to respond and not react. He taught me that fighting is more than aggression and being tough, you also have to be calm and in control. Paul taught me how to meditate so that I could become more in tune with my body and emotions. He told me that temper was giving into your three-year-old. Paul created a safe space for me to embrace my dark side and become a calmer person and fighter.

The more I trained, the more I fell in love with boxing. And the more I fought, the more confident I became. The more confident I grew, the harder my fights were. That’s when I met Sandy Lam, the best female boxer in Hong Kong. I was set to compete with her at one point. David wanted me to go for it, but I could tell that he was nervous about it. He would make me run 20 sprints, and then run with him up hills in Hong Kong. I would lie on the floor sweating and dying after every session. The competition for me to compete with Sandy was cancelled right before the date, but we became sparring partners after that. Every time she kicked my ass, I became tougher and more skilled. It was moments like these that I realized that you have to push yourself beyond what you believe you can do to get where you need to be.

I will forever be thankful for the people who have helped me along my boxing journey to become more confident, resilient and to understand the meaning of unconditional love. In boxing, it doesn’t matter how educated you are, how wealthy you are or how well dressed you are. What counts is that you show up and put in the work. Every man is equal in the ring.

0 comments on “Keeping your child secure during a divorce”

Keeping your child secure during a divorce

Keeping your child secure during a divorce.

During a divorce, parents might experience intense emotions towards the other estranged parent. Often, unknowingly, one of the parents emotionally harms a child during and after the separation. For your child’s emotional and social well-being, it is essential that your child has a secure attachment to both parents. A secure attachment means that the child feels safe to discuss or feel emotions in front of either parent. For a child, it is vital that the parent is a secure base, this helps them to develop a sense of self, and have a healthy dose of independence and resilience in the world. It can be difficult for adults experiencing grief, trauma or other strong emotions to put the child’s needs first. During a divorce, your child might also grieve or feel confused. Here are a few pointers to help your child adjust during this challenging period.

  1. Children love both parents: Children often feel sad for the parent who is grieving. They may take sides with the parent they believe has been wronged. It is important that they understand that it is ok to love both parents. Even if you have been hurt, make sure your child knows that you have forgiven the other parent.
  2. Remember who the adult is and who the child is: It is ok to talk to your children about your emotions, but make sure that you are comforting them and not expecting the child to comfort you. Here is an example of a conversation you might have with your child. “I know that you are sad that mum and dad will not be living together anymore. You might be feeling scared. But mum and dad both love you a lot, and you can talk to us anytime. I am also feeling sad, and sometimes you might see me cry. It is ok to cry when you feel sad. I do not want you to feel like you have to take care of me. I am here to take care of you because I am the parent. Right now all you need to do is be a kid.”
  3. Create predictability: Children might feel surprised and shocked about the divorce.   They might also develop a fear of the dark and want to sleep with you at night. These insecurities and fears emerge because of the unpredictability of the divorce. Create a routine and let your children know what to expect that day and week.
  4. Security: They might feel insecure and want to be around one of the parents more. They might cling to one of the parents out of fear that they will be abandoned. Remind your child that they are safe and you are never going to leave them. They might become worried that the parent who moved out of the house is also leaving them. They might also worry that they will lose the parent they are currently living with. A picture of you and the other parent in a locket, or in a wallet might be reassuring for the child to have if they are experiencing separation anxiety.
  5. Bedtime routines: Your child might want to sleep with you at night because they want the extra security. You might also want to be comforted by your child during this time. If you let your child sleep with you, it will be difficult to undo in the future. Create a predictable bedtime routine at night that helps your child feel secure. You can tuck them into their own bed and read to them. Every night tell your child that they are safe and that you love them and will never leave them. If they have nightmares during the night, comfort them and put them back in their bed. Some children benefit from sleeping with a flashlight that they can use to make sure nothing is hiding under the bed or in the closet.
  6. Do not block access: Do not prevent your child speaking to or visiting the other parent. When they are on the phone with the other parent, give the child some space. The child may feel like they cannot be close to the other parent because they will hurt you. This is not a healthy emotional space for a child. A child identifies with both parents and blocking access can lead to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. It is essential for you to put your emotions towards the other parent aside around your children.
  7. Minimize conflict: If you are involved in a high conflict divorce, minimise the conflict around the children. Conflict activates your child’s fight or flight system and may lead to confusion and anxiety. Some children may also develop physical complaints and symptoms like stomach aches and headaches if they are unable to verbalise their emotions.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Easing Academic Stress in the Home.”

Easing Academic Stress in the Home.

Hong Kong counselling therapist services-child therapy

Academic pressure is a major source of anxiety and stress for many children and teens.  As a parent, you want what is best for your child.  Here are a few pointers to help you ease the academic pressure your child might be feeling.

  1. 1. Have a stress free homework routine.  After school allow your child or teen to have a snack.  Food will help them to be in a better mood and help their brain concentrate better.  It is difficult to think when you are hungry.  Set a regular routine where after they eat, do homework, and then they can be rewarded with play or exercise.
  2. Allow your child breaks.  The brain can only focus for certain amounts of time.  Children have a shorter attention span than adults.  If your child is having a difficult time sitting still, make a game out of the homework.  Say, “If you can focus and do this worksheet properly, you can have two minutes to play, or do whatever you like.  When I count to ten, we resume the homework again.”
  3. Take the pressure out of the home.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.  If your child is struggling in math, do not add more pressure by shouting or punishing them.  Sit down next to them and patiently explain it to them. If you are unable to be patient with them, hire a patient tutor.  Speak kindly to your child.  When your child is calm, they can think better.
  4. Allow play and exercise for added focus and brain power. Your child or teen needs to play and exercise in order to sit through school.  Exercise increases blood flow to the brain making it easier to focus and learn.  Children need to play to reduce stress.
  5. Stress reduction.  Anxiety and stress hinder learning because the fight or flight system is activated.  Anxiety and stress make it difficult to focus and learn.  Stress and anxiety can be reduced in different ways, such as play, art, exercise and breathing techniques.  Allow your child to open up to you and express how they are feeling without judgement and punishment.
  6. Sleep. Make sure your child or teenager is getting enough sleep at night.  Lack of sleep makes it difficult to learn.
  7. Proper nutrition.  Too much sugar will create fatigue and shorten attention span.  Proper nutrition and diet lead to a healthy body and brain.
  8. Remain calm.  The calmer you are, the calmer your child will be.  This enables a better learning environment in and outside of the home.
  9. Decrease screen time. Overstimulation from the iPad, television, computer, video games and phone decrease attention. Limit the amount your teen or child is allowed to use these electronic devices.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US trained Clinical Psychologist Get in touch with Dr. Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com for an individual or Skype session.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Psychologists, counsellors and therapists are for everyone”

Psychologists, counsellors and therapists are for everyone

People are often intimidated by seeing a psychologist, counsellor or therapist because they think that they don’t need one or because of the stigma attached to mental health. Psychologists and other counsellors are there to provide a safe space that is free of judgement.  Trained professionals can help anyone become more successful in their career, relationships or promote overall well-being.  A trained professional can help you to understand yourself and others better, leading to increased peace and happiness.  Here are a few ways that psychologists, counsellors and therapists enable your success.

  1. They help you to understand and regulate your emotions.  Being able to remain calm under pressure and stress is a superpower.  When you understand your emotions better, you are able to control them which decreases stress and anxiety.
  2.  They help you understand your thought patterns.  Often times we are unaware how our own thought patterns are affecting our self-esteem, behaviours and relationships.  Our past relationships and experiences have dictated how we speak to ourselves.  Often times we need to retrain our thought patterns to be happier.
  3. They help you to understand your own strengths and weaknesses.  Often we are unaware of how we are underutilising our strengths and avoidant of our weaknesses. It is much easier to avoid our selves than to face ourselves.  When we begin to take responsibility and action, we become a better person.
  4. They promote resilience.  Trained professionals have spent years studying human behaviour and thought patterns.  This knowledge enables them to lead you towards resilience, grit and success.
  5. They help you to have better relationships. Trained professionals understand different personality types and how to communicate and interact with the personality types.  They can help you get along better with your boss, spouse, friends, and co-workers.  Better relationships often lead to increased happiness and success.
  6. You are able to be yourself without judgement.  Being able to speak to someone objectively who will not judge you can be liberating.  When you feel free to say and be your authentic self, you become aware of your passions, goals, and thought patterns.  Becoming authentic enables you to have increased overall feelings of well-being and happiness.
  7. They help children and teenagers overcome.  Teenagers and children are a vulnerable population that has difficulty verbalising how they feel.  A professional can use play and art therapy to help your child or teen do better in school and become happier.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist

Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Understanding Trauma”

Understanding Trauma

Hong Kong counselling therapist services

Trauma occurs when an accident, abuse, loss or something unpredictable causes us to feel emotions such as intense fear, shock, denial and distress. For the most part, people might have trauma reactions such as nightmares, hypervigilance or physical symptoms after a tragic or dangerous event that heals by itself after a short period. However, depending on the intensity and duration of the trauma, people might need to reach out to a trained mental health professional to recover and get back on track. Here are some concepts to help you understand trauma for yourself and your loved ones.

  1. The mind-body connection: Our mind is connected to our body, and there is a constant feedback loop between the two. During an accident or traumatic event, our system goes into fight or flight for protection. If our body is in fight or flight for too long, our mind becomes distressed and hypervigilant. Our immune system and nervous system might also be affected, and we might experience physical symptoms. After a trauma, it is essential to find ways to relax so that our mind and our body can get back to normal. If you are having a difficult time sleeping or focusing at work, a mental health professional can help you.
  2. Avoidance or seeking: Often after a trauma, we want to avoid the person, place or situation that caused the trauma. This may or may not be in your favour. Reflect on the situation and ask yourself if avoiding will raise or lower your quality of life. If avoiding will reduce your quality of life, but you can’t go back to the situation, seek a professional. Those who do not avoid might tend to seek out the situation, person or place that caused the trauma to relive and figure out the situation. Just like avoiding, this can be dangerous or helpful. If seeking out the situation is dangerous, and you find yourself doing it, reach out and seek help.
  3. Not everyone wants to talk about it: Everyone copes with trauma and loss differently. If someone is not ready to talk about it or seek help, do not push them. This might be doing more harm than good because it might interfere with the person’s natural coping system.
  4. Withdrawing: You might want to withdraw from your partner, friends, and from social events.  This is to help you to find the stability you perceived lost.  This might affect your relationships in a negative way if you do not communicate what you need and what you are feeling.
  5. Express and release: Express and release the trauma through art, music, dancing, sports or writing. This can help to release the trauma’s powerful hold on you.  A professional can also help by listening with empathy and no judgement.
  6. When to seek help: You can seek help at any point after a trauma. However, if you’re relationships or quality of life is suffering, reach out as soon as possible. Some symptoms to pay special attention to are constant agitation, hypervigilance, strained relationships, flashbacks, nightmares and physical symptoms such as tension, a pressure in the chest, chronic pain, stomach and headaches.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr. Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Shame, the darkest emotion”

Shame, the darkest emotion

Hong Kong Clinical Psychologist

Art work by Kalok Ng Email: thekalokng@gmail.com

Shame is the darkest emotion as it makes us feel like everything about us is wrong.  The difference between shame and guilt is that guilt tells us that our behaviour was wrong, where shame tells us that as a person we are horrible.  Guilt helps us to treat people better and stay out of trouble with society and the law.  Guilt is the feeling we get when we regret an action.  Shame is the feeling we get when we think we do not deserve to be loved.  Shame can be fleeting and teach us that we deeply regret something that we have done, or it can be long lasting.  Long lasting shame might stem from abuse from someone else or from ourselves.  Shame can start when we are children if we have been neglected, rejected or abused by our parents.  Shame can also happen if we abuse ourselves.  Shame can happen if we self-harm or criticise ourselves constantly.  And if we self-harm and criticise ourselves the shame deepens.

Shame can be dangerous if we feel it so deeply that we can not connect to ourselves and to others.  If the shame is painful enough we might try to avoid our emotions and shut down.  When we shut down we lack empathy.  If the shame is intense, we might become depressed or anxious.  Crawling out of the hole of shame can be tricky, but it can be done.  Here are some pointers:

1. Speak kindly to yourself.  Notice when you are abusing yourself and rephrase.  For example, “I’m an idiot,” becomes, “I am capable of fixing that mistake.  I can handle this.”  Speak to yourself like you would speak to someone that you respect and admire.

2. Understand that if you were abused, it has nothing to do with you. When you are abused, you might begin to believe that you deserved it, or that you are worthless.  Understand that people who are happy and comfortable with themselves do not abuse others.  Abusers tend to be people who are hurting deeply and want to control by devaluing others.  Break the cycle of abuse by healing your emotional wounds and treating yourself and others with respect and compassion.

3. Differentiate between guilt and shame: Guilt is my behavior was wrong. I feel bad and I learned that I will not do that again. Shame is I’m a horrible person, I don’t deserve to be loved. Guilt is easier to forgive because it is about the behavior and not who you are as a person. Shame is not helpful.

4. Ask for forgiveness: Ask the person you believe you hurt for forgiveness. If they can’t forgive you, give them some space.

5. Write yourself a letter asking for forgiveness: sometimes it’s more difficult for us to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others. If you are having a difficult time, write yourself a letter. In the letter write down your emotions, why you are sorry and how you will make up for it. You do not need to punish yourself as you already feel bad about the situation.

6. Stop blaming: Be careful of blaming yourself. Especially for things that are in the past and you can not control.

7. Accept yourself: Accept that you are not perfect. Create some space for yourself to make mistakes. Learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

8. Write or talk about your pain: Sometimes the shame is so deep that we don’t dare to tell anyone about it.  If this is the case, write it out.  Notice what you feel in your body, and then let the pain go.

9. Reach out for support: Speak to those who support you or reach out for professional help.  The effects of abuse can be unconscious and hard to detect.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist

Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “How to better manage your days when you are depressed.”

How to better manage your days when you are depressed.

Hong Kong counselling and therapist services

Depression is a liar. It tells us that we are fundamentally flawed and that we should hide. Depression is exhausting. It’s difficult to reach out for help because we don’t want to burden anyone. Sometimes when you are depressed you need to do opposite of what you feel.

1. Reach out for professional help. You might feel like you don’t deserve it or that you don’t need help. You need to push through those thoughts and emotions so that you can get better. If you are too tired to get out of bed, arrange for a Skype consultation. If this seems overwhelming, ask a friend to make the appointment for you.

2. Organize your schedule and stick to a routine. If you can, organize your day hour by hour and develop a daily routine. This will help you to get things done because you will be less confused about what you should be doing.

 

3. Write your thoughts and emotions. Writing out your emotions can help you release some stress. Negative thoughts that are helpless or hopeless should be reframed into positive action.

4. Exercise. Exercise releases endorphins which helps us to feel happier and more motivated.

5. Social support: This one is difficult when you want to hide at home. Mentally prepare yourself to set up a time to meet people who care about you and can help you relax.

6. Laugh: comedy and laughter increase our positive emotions.

7. Go out into nature.

 

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

 

0 comments on “Grief is a natural process.”

Grief is a natural process.

Artwork by www.instagram.com/crowded_studios

Grief is one of the most tragic and beautiful experiences that one can go through. Our heart aches, and we yearn for the one that we lost. We see them in crowds, we remember their scent and dream about them. We might feel confused and mentally slow. We might become angry or distant. Just as a snake sheds his skin to grow, grief can lead us to become more resilient and compassionate. Pain is an opportunity to analyse where our priorities are, and recognise who we love and appreciate. Here are some tips to move through the bittersweet:

Appreciation: Appreciate what the other person taught you and use that to help you become a better person. Appreciate those that love you and that you love.

Love: Tell those that you care about why you love them and why they are important to you. This helps you to stay connected and also receive social support.

A time to grieve and a time to focus: If you have lost your focus or motivation for life, set a time to grieve. For example, if you have children to take care of, allow yourself some space at night when they are sleeping to cry, journal, feel your emotions or reflect on the loss.

Be patient with yourself: Loss might slow down your brain. You might not be able to get things done as quickly or as efficiently as you used too. Be patient with yourself through this process. Go slow throughout the day and prioritise what must be done and what can wait.

Meditate: Close your eyes, slow down your breathing. Focus on creating a space around your heart, let your heart be as big as it needs to be. Breathe into that space. Allow your feelings to be there.

Don’t feel ashamed to reach out for support from friends, family or a professional.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment. Contact her at m.borschel@mindnlife.com or schedule an appointment at +852 2521 4668