Sometimes people find themselves confused in relationships.  They might wonder should I be with this person? Am I a good partner?  Is my relationship toxic?  What should I take responsibility for, and what shouldn’t I take responsibility for?  If you ask yourself these questions, you might have had some past hurtful experiences, or you might be in a relationship where you are being manipulated.  So how can you tell?  Here are some things to consider if you are finding yourself confused.

1. Are you over your ex?

If you are still in love with your ex, no one will be able to compete with them.  Comparing the new partner to your ex is unfair because you haven’t had the time to build the connection and make memories together.  If you are still in love with your ex, then your new partner will always fall short.

2. Were you ever abused?

If you grew up with domestic violence or other forms of abuse, trusting others can be a challenge. Intimacy might be a struggle for you because the thought of being vulnerable with someone is overwhelmingly scary.  Other forms of trauma can also lead to building a wall around yourself to protect yourself.

3. Your relationship has shifted

When people begin dating, they tend to put their best face forward. They want to show you what you want to see.  Over time, the mask can slip, and the real person is exposed.  If you pretend to be something you are not, how has that shifted your relationship?  If the other person has changed, can you accept it? When the chemistry is high initially, it can feel like the romance is dead when the relationship solidifies more into a friendship.  If this is the case, how can you incorporate more passion?

4. Are you being manipulated?

Sometimes people fall in love with a person who wants to own and control them. In the beginning, romance will be high.  They will make you feel like you are the most amazing person globally, only to devalue you and manipulate you in the future.  The devalued person might think if they are patient enough, the other person will change back into the person they fell in love with.  Some forms of manipulation that can confuse are gaslighting, acting hot and cold and isolation from friends and family.

5. Do you feel like you deserve love?

If your self worth is low, you might not feel like you deserve love. If this is the case, you might question why the other person is with you.  You might wonder what is wrong with this person that they like me?  You might accidentally push the other person away because of that.


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Although I am a registered clinical psychologist with the Hong Kong Society of Counseling and Psychology, I am not a licensed psychologist or any other type of licensed therapist in the United States. The information I am providing here is educational and informational. This social media page does not provide professional advice, nor does it create a professional-client relationship or any other type of relationship between us. You should always consult your own licensed mental health professional before making any changes regarding your mental health. My goal is to educate, guide, consult, and empower you regarding your mental health journey. Always consult your licensed mental healthcare provider(s) and never disregard or delay medical advice based on information posted on this page or post.