Alex felt a void in his heart that he believed could only be filled by another person. He was successful, intelligent, and funny. Despite these strengths, he often felt that he was not enough. He learned to mask his insecurities with charm. His charm made him attractive to many women, yet he repeatedly found himself drawn to women who were emotionally unavailable.
Then he met Bonnie.
Bonnie enjoyed dating Alex, but she had difficulty with emotional intimacy and commitment. She had grown up around significant conflict and learned to protect herself by keeping emotional distance. As Alex became closer to her, Bonnie began to pull away.
The more Bonnie withdrew, the more uncertain Alex became about their relationship. Eventually, he began protecting himself by withdrawing too. Before long, both Alex and Bonnie were emotionally unavailable, even though both wanted connection.
Emotionally unavailable partners may be particularly attractive to people who are insecure about their worth, accustomed to chasing connection, enjoy competition, fear commitment or intimacy, have experienced relationship trauma, or simply have not had many examples of healthy relationships.
Sometimes, familiarity can even feel like chemistry.
If you grew up with emotional neglect or inconsistent connection, being with someone who is emotionally unavailable may feel strangely familiar. Similarly, if you are accustomed to chaotic or unpredictable relationships, the stability of a healthy relationship may initially feel boring.
What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?
Emotional unavailability does not necessarily mean that someone is uncaring or incapable of love. People may struggle with emotional intimacy for many reasons. They may have difficulty identifying or expressing emotions, fear vulnerability, feel uncomfortable depending on others, or withdraw when relationships become emotionally intense.
An emotionally unavailable partner might:
- Avoid conversations about emotions
- Pull away as greater intimacy develops
- Have difficulty expressing needs or affection
- Send inconsistent signals about the relationship
- Avoid commitment or conversations about the future
- Become distant during conflict
- Minimize your emotional needs
- Keep significant parts of their inner world private
Why Does Emotional Unavailability Feel So Attractive?
If attention or affection was inconsistent when you were growing up, you may have learned that connection requires effort. You might have needed to work for attention, monitor someone else’s mood, avoid upsetting a caregiver, or minimize your own needs.
As an adult, you may find yourself repeating a similar pattern without consciously realizing it. You might work harder when someone pulls away. You may become more interested when someone seems uncertain about you. Or you may spend considerable emotional energy trying to understand why someone will not give you the connection you want.
Breaking the Pattern
Breaking a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners can be difficult, particularly when you do not yet recognize the pattern.
You might ask yourself:
- What am I avoiding?
- How comfortable am I with emotional intimacy?
- What happens inside me when someone becomes close to me?
- Am I more attracted to someone when I am uncertain about how they feel?
- Do I feel that I need to earn someone’s love?
- Am I choosing partners who resemble important relationships from my past?
- Do I confuse emotional intensity with emotional connection?
Understanding your own attachment patterns can help you recognize why certain relationships feel exciting. It can also be helpful to identify your core relationship values. What qualities are important to you in a partner? How do you want to feel in a relationship? What behaviors are unacceptable to you? What boundaries are you unwilling to sacrifice simply to maintain a connection?
What Does a Healthy Relationship Feel Like?
Healthy relationships generally allow room for:
- Emotional honesty
- Vulnerability
- Mutual support
- Healthy boundaries
- Respectful disagreement
- Consistency
- Repair after conflict
- Individuality as well as connection
For someone accustomed to uncertainty, this type of relationship can feel uncomfortable. There may be less chasing, fewer emotional highs and lows, and less time spent wondering where you stand. The absence of anxiety can sometimes be mistaken for the absence of chemistry. Learning to recognize the difference between emotional intensity and emotional intimacy can be an important part of changing old relationship patterns.
How Attachment-Based Therapy Can Help
Attachment-based therapy explores how you feel about yourself and others. How is your self-worth? Do you feel that others are more worthwhile than you are? Do you feel that having other people in your life is burdensome? Therapy can also identify any negative or cognitive blocks that you might carry about relationships. Attachment traumas from childhood or previous relationships can also be healed.
Dr. Monica Borschel provides psychological services in Hong Kong and trauma-informed coaching in the United States and internationally.