0 comments on “How placing judgement hurts you”

How placing judgement hurts you

Hong Kong psychological services

Human minds organize things and people to process information quicker. The downside to this is categorizing people leads to stereotyping. The key is to be aware of your own stereotypes so that you don’t overlook other valuable information. The more often we judge others, the more often we judge ourself. This can lead to social anxiety and self-consciousness. Here is how you can help yourself.

1. Be aware of your judgements. Are you judging because:

A. Something about the other person represents a part of yourself that you don’t like?

B. The other person reminds you of someone who hurt your you?

C. The other person represents something that you want to be?

2. Speak kindly to yourself and others.

3. Is the judgement destructive or constructive. Destructive judgement is harmful and says that you or the other person are not good enough. Constructive judgement helps you or the other person grow and become better.

4. Reframe destructive judgement. Everyone is a product of their genes and their environment. People act and react to you based on how they perceive you and their own past experiences. Having this in mind helps you to view others objectively rather than critically.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Am I sad or depressed?”

Am I sad or depressed?

US trained psychologist in Hong Kong counselling and therapy services

Sadness is an emotion that slows us down and teaches us that we made a mistake, or that something or someone hurt us.  Usually, when we are sad, we are still able to get out of bed and maintain our daily routines.  Depression is a deeper emotion that often feels like darkness or heaviness.  We find ourselves unable to go about our daily routines because we are too tired or unmotivated.  If you have been feeling depressed for more than a couple of months, help from a professional is a good idea.  Here are some warning signs that you might be depressed.

1. Your sleeping habits have changed:  You might find that it feels almost impossible to get out of bed.  You want to sleep for days because when you are sleeping, you can’t feel the pain.  Or you might find that you can no longer sleep at night.  You might feel tired all the time.

2. Your relationships begin to suffer: Your relationships might be suffering because you are so overwhelmed with pain that you feel like you can not deal with anyone else.  You might feel agitated with others and have little empathy for what they are experiencing.  You might withdraw because you do not want to burden anyone else.  This is exactly the time when you should reach out to others who are caring and supportive.

3. You feel hopeless: You begin to feel like you will be suffering forever and that there is nothing you can do to alleviate the pain.  You might feel like you will always fail, never reach your goals or always be stuck.

4. Your body aches for no reason:  You might find that your muscles are sore and stiff, but you haven’t been exercising.  You might also have a change in appetite, either eating too much or too little.  Your body might feel heavy.   Though you feel tired and unmotivated, exercise will help you.

5. You can’t focus: You might not be able to focus at work or school.  You might become easily distracted or feel like you are dreaming.

6. Difficult to find joy in anything:  You might not be able to enjoy things that you used to love, or have a difficult time enjoying anything.

7. Your hygiene has suffered: You feel like taking a shower, doing your hair or brushing your teeth is too much effort.

8. You think badly about yourself: You feel like you are worthless, and that there is little to nothing good about yourself.  You are stuck in a negative mental loop.

Depression can be difficult to overcome on your own.  It is not something to be ashamed of or hidden from others.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Skype or private session available

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Increasing Self-Confidence”

Increasing Self-Confidence

Hong Kong Psychologist Counselling Therapist

Standing in the train or lift can be a scrutinising experience in Hong Kong, as well as other international cities. We all like to look at our peers to socially compare ourselves to them, and them to us. This increases or decreases our false sense of self.  The false sense of self is the self that is attached to external validation, meaning the approval of others.

Our self-esteem rises and falls depending on our accomplishments, failures, and health of our physical body. When we are accomplishing things such as excelling in a sport, academics, relationships, or our career; we are on top of the world. When we experience failure loss or rejection, our confidence and self-esteem decrease.

The key to balancing our self-esteem, our confidence and our self-image is to realise that wins and fails are only temporary. Nothing lasts forever. Recognise that you are more than those circumstances, more than your accomplishments and your failures. Learn to recognise that approval and security come from within yourself.

Some of us may feel unsure of who we are because we’ve let our parents, our friends, authority figures or society tell us who we should and should not be. There may be points in your life where you are being pulled in many different directions by many different people.

Here are some key points to enhance your self-confidence along your journey to self-discovery

Recognise and reframe negative self-talk.

When we recognise that we have a cynical internal monologue – such as calling ourselves “stupid, fat, or ugly,” we can reframe that thought to constructive criticism. For example, “My boss is upset with my performance. I need to try to make it to work on time and make sure that I get more sleep.” Instead of “I’m a worthless failure.” The first phrase provides a workable situation that enhances growth, whereas the second phrase leaves you unmotivated.

Grow as a human being.

Set goals and challenge yourself. When you accomplish goals, you feel better about yourself. On the journey to self-growth and goals, we might meet some failure or rejection. Realise this is normal and everyone faces these challenges. Allow the failure and rejection to inspire you to try again or find another creative avenue.  When a child is learning to walk, he falls and then gets up.  He might cry for a minute, but he always tries again.  As we mature, we encounter more failure and rejection, we can either get up or give up.  Those who give up will never know what they are truly capable of.

Sit in non-judgement as much as possible.

Human beings are judgemental by nature. We have been taught since day one to be “good” and not “bad.”  When we label people, we fail to recognise that all of us are a unique blend of biology, culture, and beliefs. When you accept that people are living their reality based on their life experiences, you realise that there is nothing to judge.  This non-judgment helps you to feel more comfortable in your own skin because you will also stop judging yourself as much.  You begin to realise that it is a waste of energy and time to judge others, just as it is for others to judge you.  Focus on yourself and what you need to accomplish to become a better person.

Have boundaries.

Don’t allow others to take more of your time, energy or resources than you can give. Do not let others abuse you emotionally, verbally, or physically.  It is ok to say no.  When you give more than you want to, you become fatigued and drained.  Often times this may lead to resentment.  If you enjoy helping others, make sure that you are helping yourself as well.

Get rid of toxic people

Toxic people are people who treat you with disrespect or make you feel bad about yourself. Start to recognise your emotional state around others and be curious about that. Surround yourself with people who have similar goals and objectives as you. If you have a toxic boss or co-worker and you need to deal with them, don’t take their negative behaviour personally. Here is another excellent article on how to manage these sorts of people

http://www.entrepreneur.stfi.re/article/290372?sf=nxprpeg#aa

Remain balanced

When we are out of balance physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we feel down. To remain physically stable, eat nutritiously and exercise as well as get enough sleep. Connect with yourself through meditation and self-reflection to stay spiritually balanced. Remain emotionally balanced by recognising and respecting your emotions as well as the feelings of others. Emotions give us information about our behaviour as well as the behaviour of others.

Practice gratitude

Express appreciation to those around you who are kind or do kind things for you. Express gratitude towards yourself and your body. Expressing gratitude rewires our brain to feel and think positively.  When we feel positive, we attract positive people into our lives.  The majority of people in the world want to be appreciated and respected.  Expressing gratitude to others enhances relationships with others and yourself.

Monica_94

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Love and attraction”

Love and attraction

Hong Kong Psychologist offering counselling and therapy services

Attraction is both physical and psychological.

Psychologically we may be attracted to people for many reasons. We tend to be attracted to people who: have the same or complete opposite personality traits as we do, seem familiar because we see them often, or remind us of one of our parents. We may also be psychologically attracted to certain people based on our culture or religion. Unfortunately, if we have been abused as a child, we can be attracted to people who abuse us.

The Beginning Phase of Romance

In the beginning phase of dating, the hormone oxytocin and the brain chemical dopamine leave you feeling high. Just like a drug, you physically yearn for this other person and may find yourself thinking about them often. This is the lust phase. During this phase, your body might overrule your brain. During this phase, it is easy to fall in love with the person you think you are dating, rather than who that person truly is.

During this phase, do not rush into a relationship.  Ask your partner questions about who they are and their background to get a better sense of who they are as a person.  How do they cope with disappointment, and manage other family and peer relationships?  Do they have the same ethics as you?  Do they want the same thing out of a relationship as you do?  Does this person leave you feeling drained or energised?  What does this person expect from you and what do you expect from them?

The Transition Phase into Love or Loss

At some point, your hormones and dopamine levels stabilise, and you begin to analyse the other person as a romantic partner. If you have had a history of abuse or low self-esteem, this phase may frighten you. You may seek to desperately cling to or avoid your new romantic partner. If your new romantic partner is also feeling avoidant, this partnership will most likely lead to loss rather than love.

Here is a scenario to illustrate this point:  Frank is a man who recently got out of a long-term relationship.  His heart is broken, and he is scared to get into a new relationship.  However, he has been dating Sally for the past four months because he is attracted to her physically.  At first, the chemistry was great, but now he finds that Sally wants to settle down and have children. He has told her that he does not want that.  Now Sally has become clingy and texts his phone constantly to see where he is.  She is concerned that he is with another woman.  She fears that she is going to lose him.  Sally does not believe that she is worthy of love because she grew up in a verbally abusive home.  Frank is normally secure with love, but since he just got out of a relationship, he is afraid to get into another relationship.  The more Frank avoids Sally, the more clingy Sally becomes, and the more clingy Sally becomes, the more avoidant Frank becomes.

In an ideal situation, both partners would feel that they are worthy of love and that their partner is worthy of love. Both partners would recognise that both individuals have needs within and outside of the relationship.   Both partners would want the same thing out of the relationship as the other.  For example, both are ready to commit, or both just want to be friends.

Love

Love and commitment are not always the same. For a committed relationship to take place, both people need to be looking for commitment. Both people need to accept the other person for their strengths and flaws. This is often easier said than done. Often in relationships, the fear of losing the other brings our insecurities to the surface. If both partners can communicate effectively, this can bring two people closer together. Love is saying “you are a person, not a possession. I respect your needs as I respect my own. I will not ask you to change your personal identity to fit mine, and I will not change my personal identity to fit yours. I am an individual, but I am a member of your team, I am on your side.”

Monica_94

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Love and attraction”

Love and attraction

Hong Kong Psychologist offering counselling and therapy services

Attraction is both physical and psychological.

Psychologically we may be attracted to people for many reasons. We tend to be attracted to people who: have the same or complete opposite personality traits as we do, seem familiar because we see them often, or remind us of one of our parents. We may also be psychologically attracted to certain people based on our culture or religion. Unfortunately, if we have been abused as a child, we can be attracted to people who abuse us.

The Beginning Phase of Romance

In the beginning phase of dating, the hormone oxytocin and the brain chemical dopamine leave you feeling high. Just like a drug, you physically yearn for this other person and may find yourself thinking about them often. This is the lust phase. During this phase, your body might overrule your brain. During this phase, it is easy to fall in love with the person you think you are dating, rather than who that person truly is.

During this phase, do not rush into a relationship.  Ask your partner questions about who they are and their background to get a better sense of who they are as a person.  How do they cope with disappointment, and manage other family and peer relationships?  Do they have the same ethics as you?  Do they want the same thing out of a relationship as you do?  Does this person leave you feeling drained or energised?  What does this person expect from you and what do you expect from them?

The Transition Phase into Love or Loss

At some point, your hormones and dopamine levels stabilise, and you begin to analyse the other person as a romantic partner. If you have had a history of abuse or low self-esteem, this phase may frighten you. You may seek to desperately cling to or avoid your new romantic partner. If your new romantic partner is also feeling avoidant, this partnership will most likely lead to loss rather than love.

Here is a scenario to illustrate this point:  Frank is a man who recently got out of a long-term relationship.  His heart is broken, and he is scared to get into a new relationship.  However, he has been dating Sally for the past four months because he is attracted to her physically.  At first, the chemistry was great, but now he finds that Sally wants to settle down and have children. He has told her that he does not want that.  Now Sally has become clingy and texts his phone constantly to see where he is.  She is concerned that he is with another woman.  She fears that she is going to lose him.  Sally does not believe that she is worthy of love because she grew up in a verbally abusive home.  Frank is normally secure with love, but since he just got out of a relationship, he is afraid to get into another relationship.  The more Frank avoids Sally, the more clingy Sally becomes, and the more clingy Sally becomes, the more avoidant Frank becomes.

In an ideal situation, both partners would feel that they are worthy of love and that their partner is worthy of love. Both partners would recognise that both individuals have needs within and outside of the relationship.   Both partners would want the same thing out of the relationship as the other.  For example, both are ready to commit, or both just want to be friends.

Love

Love and commitment are not always the same. For a committed relationship to take place, both people need to be looking for commitment. Both people need to accept the other person for their strengths and flaws. This is often easier said than done. Often in relationships, the fear of losing the other brings our insecurities to the surface. If both partners can communicate effectively, this can bring two people closer together. Love is saying “you are a person, not a possession. I respect your needs as I respect my own. I will not ask you to change your personal identity to fit mine, and I will not change my personal identity to fit yours. I am an individual, but I am a member of your team, I am on your side.”

Monica_94

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “Increasing Self-Confidence”

Increasing Self-Confidence

Hong Kong Psychologist Counselling Therapist

Standing in the train or lift can be a scrutinising experience in Hong Kong, as well as other international cities. We all like to look at our peers to socially compare ourselves to them, and them to us. This increases or decreases our false sense of self.  The false sense of self is the self that is attached to external validation, meaning the approval of others.

Our self-esteem rises and falls depending on our accomplishments, failures, and health of our physical body. When we are accomplishing things such as excelling in a sport, academics, relationships, or our career; we are on top of the world. When we experience failure loss or rejection, our confidence and self-esteem decrease.

The key to balancing our self-esteem, our confidence and our self-image is to realise that wins and fails are only temporary. Nothing lasts forever. Recognise that you are more than those circumstances, more than your accomplishments and your failures. Learn to recognise that approval and security come from within yourself.

Some of us may feel unsure of who we are because we’ve let our parents, our friends, authority figures or society tell us who we should and should not be. There may be points in your life where you are being pulled in many different directions by many different people.

Here are some key points to enhance your self-confidence along your journey to self-discovery

Recognise and reframe negative self-talk.

When we recognise that we have a cynical internal monologue – such as calling ourselves “stupid, fat, or ugly,” we can reframe that thought to constructive criticism. For example, “My boss is upset with my performance. I need to try to make it to work on time and make sure that I get more sleep.” Instead of “I’m a worthless failure.” The first phrase provides a workable situation that enhances growth, whereas the second phrase leaves you unmotivated.

Grow as a human being.

Set goals and challenge yourself. When you accomplish goals, you feel better about yourself. On the journey to self-growth and goals, we might meet some failure or rejection. Realise this is normal and everyone faces these challenges. Allow the failure and rejection to inspire you to try again or find another creative avenue.  When a child is learning to walk, he falls and then gets up.  He might cry for a minute, but he always tries again.  As we mature, we encounter more failure and rejection, we can either get up or give up.  Those who give up will never know what they are truly capable of.

Sit in non-judgement as much as possible.

Human beings are judgemental by nature. We have been taught since day one to be “good” and not “bad.”  When we label people, we fail to recognise that all of us are a unique blend of biology, culture, and beliefs. When you accept that people are living their reality based on their life experiences, you realise that there is nothing to judge.  This non-judgment helps you to feel more comfortable in your own skin because you will also stop judging yourself as much.  You begin to realise that it is a waste of energy and time to judge others, just as it is for others to judge you.  Focus on yourself and what you need to accomplish to become a better person.

Have boundaries.

Don’t allow others to take more of your time, energy or resources than you can give. Do not let others abuse you emotionally, verbally, or physically.  It is ok to say no.  When you give more than you want to, you become fatigued and drained.  Often times this may lead to resentment.  If you enjoy helping others, make sure that you are helping yourself as well.

Get rid of toxic people

Toxic people are people who treat you with disrespect or make you feel bad about yourself. Start to recognise your emotional state around others and be curious about that. Surround yourself with people who have similar goals and objectives as you. If you have a toxic boss or co-worker and you need to deal with them, don’t take their negative behaviour personally. Here is another excellent article on how to manage these sorts of people

http://www.entrepreneur.stfi.re/article/290372?sf=nxprpeg#aa

Remain balanced

When we are out of balance physically, emotionally, or spiritually, we feel down. To remain physically stable, eat nutritiously and exercise as well as get enough sleep. Connect with yourself through meditation and self-reflection to stay spiritually balanced. Remain emotionally balanced by recognising and respecting your emotions as well as the feelings of others. Emotions give us information about our behaviour as well as the behaviour of others.

Practice gratitude

Express appreciation to those around you who are kind or do kind things for you. Express gratitude towards yourself and your body. Expressing gratitude rewires our brain to feel and think positively.  When we feel positive, we attract positive people into our lives.  The majority of people in the world want to be appreciated and respected.  Expressing gratitude to others enhances relationships with others and yourself.

Monica_94

 

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

 

 

0 comments on “Am I sad or depressed?”

Am I sad or depressed?

US trained psychologist in Hong Kong counselling and therapy services

Sadness is an emotion that slows us down and teaches us that we made a mistake, or that something or someone hurt us.  Usually, when we are sad, we are still able to get out of bed and maintain our daily routines.  Depression is a deeper emotion that often feels like darkness or heaviness.  We find ourselves unable to go about our daily routines because we are too tired or unmotivated.  If you have been feeling depressed for more than a couple of months, help from a professional is a good idea.  Here are some warning signs that you might be depressed.

1. Your sleeping habits have changed:  You might find that it feels almost impossible to get out of bed.  You want to sleep for days because when you are sleeping, you can’t feel the pain.  Or you might find that you can no longer sleep at night.  You might feel tired all the time.

2. Your relationships begin to suffer: Your relationships might be suffering because you are so overwhelmed with pain that you feel like you can not deal with anyone else.  You might feel agitated with others and have little empathy for what they are experiencing.  You might withdraw because you do not want to burden anyone else.  This is exactly the time when you should reach out to others who are caring and supportive.

3. You feel hopeless: You begin to feel like you will be suffering forever and that there is nothing you can do to alleviate the pain.  You might feel like you will always fail, never reach your goals or always be stuck.

4. Your body aches for no reason:  You might find that your muscles are sore and stiff, but you haven’t been exercising.  You might also have a change in appetite, either eating too much or too little.  Your body might feel heavy.   Though you feel tired and unmotivated, exercise will help you.

5. You can’t focus: You might not be able to focus at work or school.  You might become easily distracted or feel like you are dreaming.

6. Difficult to find joy in anything:  You might not be able to enjoy things that you used to love, or have a difficult time enjoying anything.

7. Your hygiene has suffered: You feel like taking a shower, doing your hair or brushing your teeth is too much effort.

8. You think badly about yourself: You feel like you are worthless, and that there is little to nothing good about yourself.  You are stuck in a negative mental loop.

Depression can be difficult to overcome on your own.  It is not something to be ashamed of or hidden from others.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist  Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Skype or private session available

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “How placing judgement hurts you”

How placing judgement hurts you

Hong Kong psychological services

Human minds organize things and people to process information quicker. The downside to this is categorizing people leads to stereotyping. The key is to be aware of your own stereotypes so that you don’t overlook other valuable information. The more often we judge others, the more often we judge ourself. This can lead to social anxiety and self-consciousness. Here is how you can help yourself.

1. Be aware of your judgements. Are you judging because:

A. Something about the other person represents a part of yourself that you don’t like?

B. The other person reminds you of someone who hurt your you?

C. The other person represents something that you want to be?

2. Speak kindly to yourself and others.

3. Is the judgement destructive or constructive. Destructive judgement is harmful and says that you or the other person are not good enough. Constructive judgement helps you or the other person grow and become better.

4. Reframe destructive judgement. Everyone is a product of their genes and their environment. People act and react to you based on how they perceive you and their own past experiences. Having this in mind helps you to view others objectively rather than critically.

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “How can I express how I really feel?”

How can I express how I really feel?

Hong Kong counseling and therapy services with Dr. Monica Borschel

Sometimes we might have a difficult time expressing how we feel because we are afraid of how others will react or what they might think of us. We might have a hard time expressing how we feel because we are not sure what it is we are feeling. Emotions can be complex. Part of it might be because we tell ourselves that how we feel doesn’t matter. Here are some simple guidelines to understand and express how you feel.

1. Your emotions matter: Emotions give us information about our environment and our choices. If we feel threatened or out of control we might feel angry or anxious. If we have lost or fear losing someone or something, we might grieve or feel sad. When things are going the way that we want them too, we feel happy or excited.

2. Emotions are in your body: One of the keys to understanding how you feel is to pay attention to sensations in your body. Is your heart racing or is your stomach tight? When we learn how to identify where we feel emotions in our body we can learn to speak about how we feel.

3. How are you perceiving the emotion? Our body gives us a signal about threats in our environment and our heart races. We can tell ourself that we are afraid, or we can tell ourself that we are excited. Be curious about the story that you are telling yourself about your bodies response to the environment.

4. Heathy responses: Healthy responses to emotion include talking, crying or calming down. Talking about how you feel helps to minimize conflict and misunderstanding. Crying helps to relieve pressure and stress and calming down prevents you from yelling or becoming aggressive.

4. Accept your emotions, don’t avoid them: Avoiding your emotions or distracting yourself from your emotions will not help you to understand or learn from them. Often when we feel heartache we tend to avoid it. Negative emotions help us to grow and understand ourselves better. Broken hearts help us to understand love, appreciation and compassion. We also learn from our mistakes by paying attention to the feelings we don’t like.

5. Write it out: It might be easier for some people to write their emotions out before they are able to speak about them. Writing your feelings on a piece of paper might help to clarify any confusion you have to what you are feeling.

6. Practice, practice, practice: If you are not used to speaking about your feelings, it will be quite challenging in the beginning. Don’t give up, try again. Every time that you try, it will become easier. There might be people in your life who are unable to cope with your emotions or anyone else’s for that matter. Practice with people are are open to hearing how you feel.


Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist

Reach out to Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com for an individual or skype session.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel

0 comments on “How to better manage your days when you are depressed.”

How to better manage your days when you are depressed.

Hong Kong counselling and therapist services

Depression is a liar. It tells us that we are fundamentally flawed and that we should hide. Depression is exhausting. It’s difficult to reach out for help because we don’t want to burden anyone. Sometimes when you are depressed you need to do opposite of what you feel.

1. Reach out for professional help. You might feel like you don’t deserve it or that you don’t need help. You need to push through those thoughts and emotions so that you can get better. If you are too tired to get out of bed, arrange for a Skype consultation. If this seems overwhelming, ask a friend to make the appointment for you.

2. Organize your schedule and stick to a routine. If you can, organize your day hour by hour and develop a daily routine. This will help you to get things done because you will be less confused about what you should be doing.

 

3. Write your thoughts and emotions. Writing out your emotions can help you release some stress. Negative thoughts that are helpless or hopeless should be reframed into positive action.

4. Exercise. Exercise releases endorphins which helps us to feel happier and more motivated.

5. Social support: This one is difficult when you want to hide at home. Mentally prepare yourself to set up a time to meet people who care about you and can help you relax.

6. Laugh: comedy and laughter increase our positive emotions.

7. Go out into nature.

 

Dr Monica Borschel is a US-trained Clinical Psychologist who specialises in loss and attachment.  Get in touch with Dr Borschel: m.borschel@mindnlife.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drmonicaborschel